My "Mom" Story

I've been intending to write this for a while and thought Mother's Day would be the perfect day to do it. It is now 10:30 p.m. and I still haven't done it lol. I believe that is procrastination! Today is a bittersweet day for many of us. My own sweet mom passed away when I was 21, I am 52 and still miss her. So many times I wish she could have been here, but I know she has a special spot in Heaven where she can see what's going on. One of the things my mom always told me was, "be careful what you pray for". She told me this many times and I in my infinite wisdom usually didn't listen lol. That always comes back to me now when I think about my kids. This is my "mom" story.
I married the first time when I was 18. Growing up all I wanted to be was a wife and mother so I was excited getting married and thinking of starting a family. Things didn't work out the way "I" planned but in hindsight "God's" plan was perfect. My first "child" was my newborn baby cousin when I was nine (now grown, pic on right) and to this day she still calls me mom :) and I still consider her my oldest. Fast-forward through my first marriage and fourteen years later I was divorced and still had not had a "baby", my age by then 32.
However, from that marriage I had my sister-in-law who was 5 when we met and 19 when I divorced. She was my second "child", I lost her last year at the age of 43 and there will forever be a hole in my heart from the loss of this daughter. (Picture on left.) (I'm missing 2 grandchildren pictures here that go with her picture but they aren't on my computer, however I want them to know when they read this, they are included and this is a hint that I need new pics :)
I remarried a year later to a man with 3 "children" at the time they were 2, 14 and 16. Shortly after we married the 2 oldest came to live with us and we got visitation with the 2 year old every other week-end. My husband passed away from surgery complications but my girls and my son are still mine and always will be. After he passed away I decided that I didn't have to be married to have children but due to an emergency hysterectomy the possibility of giving birth was completely out of the question. I decided to become a foster mom. My kids were grown by then except the youngest who was barely a teenager and she lived with her mom, (who by the way is an excellent mom and a dear friend). I started foster care with a 13 year old boy and a 15 year old girl but I didn't stop there, my kids have ranged from 13 - 21 when they came to live with me. Now the rest of the story lol.
I remarried for the 3rd (and final) time a man that I know in my heart God sent my way. My soulmate. With him I received 3 more children. At the time we married, they were 15, 20 and 22. Only one of them came to live with us, (pictured on the left with 2 of my other girls). Even though she was in her twenties (barely) then, her and I are very close, her and my oldest are the two most like me (they would probably rather I didn't tell that lol). No matter what age or stage, love and family comes from the heart. All in all in my life, I've been blessed to be mom to over 50 children that God has given me. Many of them I didn't get to keep for long and don't get to see or talk to, some of them I don't even know where they are because of the system, but I do know that they have a special place in my heart still. Thanks to all of my kids because I also now have adorable grandchildren that don't know that meemaw isn't their blood meemaw. None of us worry about telling people our "story" unless it's a really need to know. This is where my mom's words come back to me many times in my memories.


Be careful what you pray for - I always prayed for kids or children, of course thinking babies but God had different plans. All my kids came at different ages and stages of their lives but all are truly a blessing. I didn't ask for babies, I asked for children and that's what God gave me and He gave abundantly. He sees the big picture, He knew what I needed and He knew what each one of my kids needed in their lives and He gave us both the desires of our hearts. He gave me children to nurture and love, in His time so that I would be a buffer for their hurts and nurture them the way He wanted. Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
By the time my children started coming along I had so much love built up that I probably sometimes smothered them with it. I've tried to be the mom to them that my mom was for me. Always there, always listening, like my mom with me, I don't always tell them what they want to hear and they might get mad at me for a little bit but everything I do and everything I say is with love and they know it. I love them all with all my heart, that's a God thing. Some I had for a reason, some for a season and some for a lifetime. I am the most blessed mom I know. God taught me you don't have to give birth to be a mom and giving birth doesn't necessarily make a mom, that's why I had my children because they needed a "mom" and God knew I needed them. Thank God for honing me into the mom He wanted me to be and to my girls and my sons, all of you, thank you for giving me a reason to celebrate today. Thank you for blessing my life, I love you all with all my heart. My mom would be so proud of her grandchildren and great-grandchildren just as I am so proud of all of you and what you have accomplished. (I wish you could have known each other).
AND: I finally got my "babies" when my grandchildren came along.
That was just the icing on the cake :)


I would like to say to anyone who wants children and for whatever reason has not been able to have them. Love the children God puts in your path, whether it be for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Yes, it will hurt when you lose touch with them but I wouldn't trade any of my kids or the lessons I've learned from them. I pray that I touched their lives in a way that they never forget. I pray that I raised them for however long I had them the way that God wanted and that as they grow older they remember and come to know the Lord as adults. I know the ones that are close still worship and love the Lord. I have tried to make a difference in all their lives and I believe I did, but the one thing I know for sure is that I tried to show them God's love. I know each and every one of them made a difference in MY life. So I have to repeat, love the children God puts in your path, whether they be friends children, family members, babies or grown, don't worry about how long they will be there. You will both be richer for it. Don't let the pain you feel from not bearing your own children cloud the blessings God is putting before you. If I had born children of my own, I wouldn't have been the same person I don't believe. I wouldn't have had the open heart God needed me to have when each of these "children" came into my life. I wouldn't trade "my" kids for all the world. They are all as much mine, maybe even more so than if I'd given birth to them.
God bless you all,
til next time
tawanab
P.S. I started this on Mother's Day but due to some internet problems did not get to publish it that day.

Real Treasure

Store up your treasures in Heaven. Matthew 6:19-21, 19 Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: 20 But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: 21 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

How many of us have "stuff" we have hung on to for years that has no value? In the process of moving, I have discovered things I didn't even realize I still had. Trying to pack I've been looking at everything with a more critical eye. Even pictures! I have pictures of friends, friend's children, friend's grandchildren. I know who they are or who they are supposed to be by looking, but I never got around to putting names on them. Then one day while packing I asked my daughter, "do you know who this is?" She said, "no, is it family?" I said, "no, it's a friend's grandbaby". She just looked and nodded and asked whose. I told her and she vaguely remembered the friend. I said, "if I were to die tomorrow and you were having to go through my things would you care who this is?" She looked at me of course like I was asking her a trick question, lol. I said, "no, seriously, would you?" She said, "well no, not really". I said, "exactly, this picture was taken 10 years ago, the last time I saw this friend was 9 years ago, this little girl is 11 now and doesn't even know me". This particular friend is probably one I will never see again this side of Heaven, so why do I keep it? The same reason I've kept all this other "stuff" over the years. It meant or means something to me. However, what good are they, or the thousands of other things I've stored up when Jesus calls me home? These "things" aren't my real treasure. The old adage, you can't take it with you comes to my mind.

I think to myself, at the very least I can mark things so that whomever is unlucky enough to have to sort through my things can do it easily and not toss out something that might really be important. Pictures need to have names and even descriptions, especially if they won't mean anything to anyone else without me around. Family pictures need to be labeled for the ancestry buff in the family (present or future). Other pictures and memorabilia needs to be marked so that it can easily be gotten rid of or kept. Then I remember, this isn't the real treasure.

I've found items that really are antiques and I've found items I "thought" might be antiques. My clothes are (were) arranged in sizes, five of them!!!! I won't say which one I'm in now but I will say that stepping into my closet is like watching Cinderella, it's pure fantasy, lol. Meaning, I will never see that size again without getting deathly ill and it's not worth that! What I consider treasure, my children consider trash. A couple of them have begged me to let them clean house for me. That doesn't mean my house is literally dirty just that they want to go through all my "important" stuff and clean it out. My middle daughter and I are big fans of the reality show "Clean House". She looks around my house and says, "you should let me do yours". Not!!! I will admit I'm a packrat! I am sifting through it with a more critical eye with this move that is looming ahead, but there are still some things they will just have to deal with. Then I remember, this isn't the real treasure. With that thought I've gone back through and cleaned out a little more.

That picture of the baby I mentioned above reminds me of happy memories with her grandmother. Sometimes I don't think about her for months and I see that picture and it brings her to mind. I see a drawing I kept that one of my grandbabies did and my heart swells with love, I remember them at that age and wonder where the years have gone. I see the little wishing well on my shelf and think of my grandmother. Then I look up and see an old avon bottle shaped like a peacock with a gold head for the cap and I think of my own mom. I can see her in my mind's eye as clearly as if she is standing with me. I hear her laughter, I remember the talks we had. I remember hearing her pray, I remember her dragging me to church when I was a little girl, I remember her love. I see my dad's old cowboy (farmer's) hat and I hear his laughter, I remember the time he scared me spitless with a fake skeleton hand, I remember hearing him way up in the pasture raising his voice in praise and prayer to the Lord, and I remember holding his hand as he stepped from this life into the next to be with our Lord and Savior. All of these memories and more flood in when I look at this "stuff". How can I get rid of it? I'm sitting on a goldmine. A goldmine and a lifetime of memories. Then God reminds me, this isn't the real treasure.

When I'm gone, though I've told them stories, this "stuff" won't mean the same to my children and to them it will be trash. I hope that they have their own treasures (memories) of their mom and how much I loved each and every one of them to get them through til we meet again. Our memories sometimes need a little nudge, I like to think that's what this "stuff" is, a little nudge, not treasure. Meanwhile, I'll continue to go through my house keep cutting down on some of the things I've kept. We are having a yard sale and some of it will become someone else's "stuff". My closet has been reduced to about 3 boxes. I've actually thrown away duplicate pictures, contacts (lenses) from 5 years ago, some eye glasses from many years ago, clothes that really aren't fit to wear much less sell, I think I'm doing pretty good, however, maybe I'll just keep that little blurry picture of my grandson, even though you can't really see who it is, I know, and I remember him running and laughing loudly when I snapped the picture (which is why its blurry). Even that isn't the real treasure!

Earthly treasures? Not the kind of treasures made from gold or silver. These are little mementos of my treasures here on earth that God has blessed me with - my family and friends. My real treasure is stored in Heaven. My heart is with God first and then this wonderful amazing family He has given me. I am rich beyond measure. I can rid myself of lots of this "stuff". These really aren't my real treasures.

What will really matter when Jesus calls me home? My real treasures will be walking with Him and seeing my loved ones already there. Then someday seeing my husband, children, grandchildren, friends and family coming through the gates when it's their time. I may have these little treasures now but I know where the real treasure is, where my heart is. Jesus said in John 14:2-3, 2 In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.

Where is your "real treasure" stored up?

God bless,
tawanab

On being a mom and an open letter to my children

All my life all I wanted was to be a mom. That was my single most prayer, always, and truly was a dream I reached for. Nothing ever seemed more important to me in the past NOR does anything compare to it now. My favorite story is be careful what you ask for when you pray but that's another blog, another time :)
I have learned a few truths about being a mom:
1) Wanting it ,no matter how badly, doesn’t mean you will be good at it!
2) Children do not come with an instruction booklet! No one, not new mothers or experienced mothers can tell you how to do it, they can only give you the benefit of their experience, right or wrong!
3) NO love comes close to it, (other than the love God has for you), not your love for your parents, your brothers and sisters if you have them, your spouse, nothing compares to the love you feel for your children, whether you gave birth to them or not.
4) If you think you can’t possibly love more, wait til you have grandchildren.
5) Being a mom is NOT easy, when they hurt you hurt.
6) Making the right decisions for your children as they are growing only gets harder with time, butting out when the choice is no longer yours is even harder.
7) the cycle of being a mom repeats itself:

• when they are little they depend on you for everything,

• teenagers think they know everything and you know nothing,
  
• young adults think you know something but your knowledge is dated and doesn’t apply to their generation,
  
• then comes a magic time when they realize you do know something and they turn to you for advice and actually believe you know what you are talking about and actually sometimes even listen to you (believe it or not it happens),
  
• then somewhere in the middle they start to think they have absorbed all your knowledge and everyone around them and once again they know everything,
• then you get older and they think what you knew you must have forgotten and you really don’t know anything. At some point I believe they realize they still love you and maybe by then they have children and understand some of the love you have for them.
  

8) No matter how hard you try at some point you will disappoint your children, and there will be times they might disappoint you.
9) they will make you cry and break your heart.
10) you will make them cry.
11) you NEVER EVER stop loving them (even though at times you might not like them).
12) they never lose their ability to hurt you.
13) you will wonder where you went wrong.
14) you will see what you did right (and unfortunately where you went wrong).
15) they will always take what you say wrong!
16) your children will remember things differently than you do.
17) being a mom is the single most important thing you will ever do in your life!!!!!!!
Take it seriously, you don’t get practice and you don’t get a second chance. Whether you give birth to them or God just chooses to put them in your life, cherish them, do the best you can, that is all God asks of you, don’t make rash decisions and don’t take them for granted.
They truly do grow up to fast.
18) you can be a mom without giving birth and love unconditionally those that God has put in your life.
19) there comes a time when they don’t need you anymore and you aren’t quite sure what to do with yourself because your life has revolved around them.
20) they will make decisions that make you wonder what alien being has possessed them.
21) your children will go through many changes, some of them you won’t like but you NEVER EVER stop loving them, that's being a mom and its wonderful!!!
I guess that is what this blog is all about -- I want my children to know I love them, ALL of them, whether they have been in my life a short time or all their lives.

OPEN LETTER TO MY CHILDREN:
I love you more than anything in this world and I thank God for putting you in my life and I thank you for putting up with me. When you think you disappoint me, its not you I’m disappointed in, its me. I only want whats best for all of you and don’t want to see you do things that will permanently scar or hurt you. Any advice I’ve given has been from love and just a little experience that God has given me with age. I hope you have taken something from your life with me that will benefit you and stay with you all your life. I didn't give you the gift of life, but I hope I’ve contributed in some small way in making your life happier. My wish for all of you is that you know the love I have for you and pass that love on to your own children. I pray your children never break your heart. I pray you always have your children and nothing comes between you and them, (and believe it or not many things can), I hope that your children give you as much happiness and happy memories as you have given me. No matter what happens I will always believe I’m truly blessed to have had all of you in my life. I may not always be right, I may not always say what you want to hear, but I will always love you, I will always be your mom.

Here’s a little advice from your mom:
1) Love your children with all your heart, they are a blessing from God and cannot be replaced.
2) teach your children about God, the world will teach them plenty, give them a Rock to come back to.
3) pick your battles, not everything is the end of the world, some things can even be ignored, don’t sweat the small stuff.
4) you can’t be their best friend and their mom until they are grown, they need you to teach them and give them guidance when they are little and yes, discipline.
5) don’t do things even with your children you have to apologize for later.
6) don’t make them grow up to fast, let them be little.
7) teach your children respect, not fear.
8) when you are tired, thank God you have them, when you are hurt, thank God you have them, when you are at your wits end, thank God you have them.
9) whatever you do, never stop thanking God for them, remember He could have chosen someone else to give them to.
10) don’t expect them to know you love them, tell them. (That’s good advice for all you love actually.) If you love someone, TELL them, don’t expect them to know by your actions because they can’t always tell.
Remember 16 above, they see things differently than you do, they will remember things differently than you do, you might even have to explain some things to them so they understand why you did what you did. (Miraculously after they have children of their own they can see why you did some of the things you did.) Unfortunately, you may not know how differently they took what you said or did when they were younger until they are grown! LOL